Breathe

 

I took this photo yesterday as I sat at the table trying to make sense of what my life and schedule is looking like these days.  I started out the day feeling completely stressed and overwhelmed, but after blocking things out and attending my first real counseling class last night, I'm feeling so much better!  All the pink highlighted stuff you see there are study blocks - whoop!  The "experts" say for every hour spent in class plan to spend at least two hours outside of class reading, researching, writing, etc.  As we speak I'm already cheating by doing this (shhhh!), but all in all I'm really excited to dig in and begin this journey.

In the midst of my freak out stress sessions I'm really trying to be conscious of breath  -specifically my breathing.  It's amazing what a difference it makes to stop and take a nice deep breath.  Simple, but very easily forgotten!  I think I might put the following quote on my laptop, fridge, mirror, heck maybe my forehead?  Good, good words.

“Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

You Become...

I love this passage from The Velveteen Rabbit because it is such a good reminder to continue in the process of being real.  In a world that values "nice" over kind, smooth over wrinkly, and young over old- for me it's a daily choice to show up and be real.  Some days are more successful than others, but I can only hope that as I practice being myself and loving who I am, being real will be the only choice that makes sense.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Expectations



As I've been thinking the last few days about what freedom means to me one of the themes that has come up  is letting go of other's expectations.  It's so easy for me to look around for validation, direction, and security rather than trust myself and look to the voice of God within me.  This is something that I'm continually working on.  Sometimes I'm in a good place with it - feeling confident in myself and the choices I'm making, and other times I feel completely lost and begin second guessing my own intuition.  It's in that second place that I often get stuck, and fear begins to creep in.  Questions like:  Am I being selfish?  Will they still like me if I don't do it their way?  and the zinger always:  Is it in the best interest of the kids? These thoughts plague me until I feel defeated again.

I am right in the middle of a phase in my life that no one warned me about.  I like to call it the "pre-pre empty nest" phase.

I was so excited when Ella started first grade.  That year I just knew I would have time to explore hobbies, do projects and finally get all my photos in order.  In reality I found myself faced with an empty house and too many options as to how to spend my time.  Additionally all the things I'd been doing (grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, cooking, scheduling) were still there and still took up a good chunk of my day.  Yes, I had a little more free time - but not the hours and hours I'd dreamt about.  And so the past few years have been an adjustment to this new season the "pre-pre empty nest" and it's been very interesting.  My kids are becoming more independent, the aprons strings are being loosened and that is healthy and good.  I am thinking more again about what I want to be when I grow up and that is also healthy and good and admittedly a little bit scary. 

And so I am in process.  Always in process.  I am doing my best to let go of the expectations I may consciously or unconsciously put on others.  I am practicing really knowing myself and listening to that small, still voice within.  Trusting and letting go of fear.  I feel hopeful about what the future might bring.  Learning new things, meeting new people, traveling my path  - these are sounding less scary and more interesting and exciting than ever. 

Oh, and I'm also going to try and write more here about that whole "pre-pre empty nest" thing....

Wishing you freedom from unhealthy expectations of yourself and others today!