Some thoughts on being a "nice" girl

I have to admit that I'm a little bit perplexed tonight as I process what it means to raise a daughter in this place, time, and culture we're living in. 

Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had a friend she was feeling smothered by.  This friend would follow her around all day long never giving her any personal space.  Although the little girl considered this to be one of her best friends she became increasingly frustrated by her.  The little girl came to her mother for advice one day before school and the mother said "Well, maybe you can tell her you two are still friends, but you're needing a little space for awhile".  This seemed to make sense to the little girl and when recess came around and the friend started following her around she asked for some space.  The friend walked away with her head down.  At this point the teacher on recess duty noticed the problem and intervened asking the little girl to please be nice and play with her friend.
And they all lived happily ever after and gave hugs and kisses to each other and skipped off into the sunset.

The end.

I am the first to admit that this is a sticky situation.  I want to raise kind children who take others feelings into consideration.  On the other hand there's something inside me that absolutely cringes at the idea of forcing this sort of "nice" behavior.  The conflict has not been solved, simply glossed over.  I'm just not convinced this was the best move on the part of the teacher.

According to Rachel Simmons in Odd Girl Out: "Research confirms that parents and teachers discourage the emergence of physical and direct aggresion in girls early on while the skirmishing of boys is either encouraged or shrugged off. In one example, a 1999 University of Michigan study found that girls were told to be quiet, speak softy, or use a "nicer" voice about three times more often than boys, even though the boys were louder.  By the time they are of school age, peers solidify the fault lines on the playground, creating social groups that value niceness in girls and toughness in boys."

And from Simmons interview with the girls on teachers expectations:  "Well, sometimes they're like, you have to respect each other, and treat other people how you want to be treated.  But that's not how life is.  Everyone can be mean sometimes and they're not even realizing it.  They expect that you're going to be so nice to everyone and you'll be so cool.  Be nice to everyone!"

"They expect you to be perfect.  You're nice.  When boys do bad stuff, they all know they're going to do bad stuff.  When girls do it, they yell at them."

"Teachers think that girls should be really nice and sharing and not get in any fights.  They think it's worse than it really is."

Oh, boy.  We've got a bumpy ride ahead in girl world!  But I vow to teach my daughter the BIG difference between niceness and kindness. 

And I'll be saying the serenity prayer often.  Starting right now....

via Cassia

A Mother's Prayer

A friend forwarded this to me a few weeks ago and I thought it was pure genius and completely hilarious!  I filed it away to share here closer to Mother's Day.  Enjoy!

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”

I have nothing to add except "Amen"! 

Oh, and I may need to head over here and pick up her new book Bossypants. 

It's almost Friday!  Yippee!

Mompetition

Last night while browsing facebook I came across this video posted by a friend from high school and thought it was worth sharing.



ns.

I'm not sure why we like to compete with each other so much. I know I'm not immune to joining into being competitive but when I find myself falling into that I don't like how it feels.   I recently read a magazine article titled "Frenemies" by Jenny Everett.  In it she shares this sobering statistic "Eighty-eight percent of women reported feeling an undercurrent of negativity among females.  That's really sad, since we can be so good for one another.  Research has proved that female-female relationships actually boost our immunity."  I have experienced many wonderful female relationships in my life that have been inspiring and supportive as well as challenging.  For me, these types of friendships are essential and a priority in my life.  Yes, they take time and as with any meaningful relationship aren't always conflict free but the benefits far exceed the risks. 
As a mother, I hope to be an example to my daughter of how wonderful friends can be and that if we truly know and love ourselves as we are,  we'll be less likely to compare and fall into ugly competition.  Everett sums up her article by saying "In my research, the role of moms kept coming up.  We have to lead by example--no more gossiping in front of our daughters.  We also need to instill more confidence in them.  Without a healthy sense of self, they look to their peers for confirmation of their worth.  We can change that by helping them feel powerful straight out of the gate."  Well said - and just for the record if I came across a mommy like the blond in this video I'd be telling her to f-off too!